BDSM 101 - Class 02: Making an Omelette - Technique

Hello class. This is Class 02 of BDSM 101. Links to previous classes for this course are listed at the end of this post.

We'll start with a quiz. Last week I instructed you to find a private place or private method to record your Desire Set, a list of all the attributes you find most desirable in an ideal sexual partner(s). We'll be referencing your Desire Set throughout this course. Now for today's quiz, I want you to start another list and title it "Virtuosity/Virtue Set". Quickly as you can, in less than 10 minutes, I want you to list as many of your own sexual and/or loving qualities. For example: "ability to syncopate the actions of my fingers with my tongue" or "patience". So the items on this list are not only technical proficiences (virtuosities) but also features of your own character that you believe make you a better partner/lover (virtues). Set a timer for 10 minutes, Time starts - now.

[10 minutes pass - Buzz. Fingers off the keyboard, pencils down]

How many virtuosities and virtues do you hold claim to? Is it 1-10? Okay. 10-25? Good. 25-50? Great. 50-100? Excellent. We'll also come back to the Virtuosity/Virtue Set throughout this course. It's going to grow as you learn. A sexually adventurous BDSM player is always learning and growing.

Today's class is subtitled "Making an Omelette - Technique". I'm using that metaphor for BDSM beginners because even if you're wholly inexperienced, there is a basic "technique" to having a good BDSM experience, and sometimes just like you want a simple meal, a simple basic BDSM scene is just what you're craving. The technique is not difficult or tricky to learn, and it'll serve you well, whether you want to delve deeper and deeper into BDSM, or if you just want to have a taste of it now and then.

10 Point Technique for beginner subs - How to Have a Good Scene:

A beginner sub needs to find someone to trust, that won't go too fast, or too hard, or too deep at the beginning. This means that beginners shouldn't seek a BDSM scene with a stranger, because without a grounding in trust, and a mutual social respect, you won't feel as comfortable giving up a portion of your power. Beginners should be especially leery of bondage scenes with people that they don't know and respect already. (I would not recommend bondage scenes for beginners until the second or third "date" with a Top.)

Before you search for a Top to serve: Clean yourself. Dress appropriately for your role. Drink less than you can handle.

1. Focus on your Desire Set, and find someone that attracts you, who is sober, and that you are already social with, meaning that you know their name, and who their friends are, you've seen them out and about. Someone who commands your respect already, and who you know enjoys BDSM. Someone whose company you already find pleasure in. Someone who is either single and available, or someone who already has a committed relationship, but who has a respectful arrangement with a partner for outside play.

2. Wait respectfully to be noticed. Do not interrupt a conversation. Be friendly, clear, and succinct. Use the appropriate honor title to begin and end each sentence. This is important, because when you do this very simple thing, it emphasizes a power differential, and the respect that you imply doing this very simple thing, will engender respect and goodwill for you from the Top:

"Sir, may i speak with You privately, Sir? " Respect the decision of the Top. If the Top says yes, then continue - "Mistress, i'm very attracted to You. i respect You. i'm only a
[choose applicable noun - beginner-, novice-, learner -, rookie- , etc-] bottom,
but would You please consider me for
[choose applicable modifier - BDSM-, Leather-, Discipline-, S&M-, Femdom-, Bondage-, Power-, Dog-, etc-]
Play, Mistress?"

4. Now you lower your eyes, and bow your head slightly. Be silent. Listen. Respect the decision of the Top. If the Top accepts you, then touch your chin to your chest, and say "Sir, thank You, Sir."

5. The Top might want to talk a bit, or begin the scene right away. There will be limits and desires to discuss, and you need to very clear and short with your answers when asked about limits especially when dealing with your health and the sex act itself. For example: "Mistress, safe sex only please, Mistress." or "Sir, penetration isn't healthy for me, only jacking off, please Sir." Also be very clear about types of play that frighten or disgust you. "Mistress, covering my head makes me panic, Mistress." or "Sir, licking boots would make me sick to my stomach, Sir." If the Top hasn't brought up the subject of limits, It is appropriate to ask the Top respectfully " Mistress, may we discuss limits please, Mistress?" If you have other limits, for example: time constraints, or a need to be back home to feed a dog, make those limits clear as well.

6. Likewise be clear and succinct with what you most want to experience: "Mistress, would you please let me feel your lash, Mistress?" or "Sir, would you please feed me your cigar smoke, Sir?" Do not give or beg a whole laundry list of kinks that you want to experience. The Top has a list already, and knows what a scene should be and how long it will last. As long as the Top respects your limits, you need to let the Top run the scene, the Top is not there to service you. you are there to service the Top.

7. It's common practice for Tops to discuss "Safe Words" or "Safe Signals" - green, yellow, red - or maybe a use of the Top's given name instead of the honorific, or a snap of the fingers or three big exhalations. If the Top hasn't brought up the subject of Safe Words or Safe Signals, then it is appropriate to ask the Top respectfully " Mistress, may we discuss Safe Words please, Mistress?"

8. The Top will run the scene, and you will serve. If you have been attentive and properly respectful, and if you have been honest and clear about your limits and desires, then you will have at the very least a good learning experience, and at the best you might have a tremendously exciting and sexually intense experience. Whether the scene was just so-so or if it rocked your world, when it concludes, you need to express your thanks and your respect. This last bit of play, being thankful, is very important and will build up your reputation as a polite and respectful player.

9. Very rarely, especially if you already know the Top socially, there might be a disrespect of your limits or a disregard of a Safe Word or Signal. This is a rudeness and a potential danger. When this happens, it's appropriate to break your role - ask "Did you disrespect my limit deliberately?" or "Didn't you hear my Safe Word? The Top should immediately apologize for the violation of limit, or the disregard of the Safe Word. It the Top fails to do that, then you should clearly and quickly say that you are going to leave - then you should dress, and go.

10. Discretion is the better part of valor. Meaning in this case, if the scene did go well and you want to explore further with the Top, be appreciative and make your desire to play again clear and up front. Don't gossip, because being discreet, respectful, and submissive with a Top will entice the Top to ask you to play again.

If the scene wasn't so hot, don't lose your nerve or your enthusiasm, you just had a spot of bad luck, just take it as a chance to learn something, and then go back again to Point #1 at another time.


2 Point Technique for Beginner Tops - How to Have a Good Scene:

Basically to be a good Top, you need to need to start by submitting to another Top. Your own spirit may never have been submissive, you might have alway been a bossy kid, perhaps you've never felt a need to just let go and let Someone else "drive." Fine. That's valid. But all the same, the fastest and most enjoyable way to learn how to Top well in BDSM is learn from an accomplished Top. You might be surprised how much you will enjoy it.

A Beginner Top needs another Top to trust, that won't go too fast, or too hard, or too deep at the beginning. This means that Beginners shouldn't seek a BDSM scene with a stranger, because without a grounding in trust, and a mutual social respect, you especially [soon to be "You"] won't feel as comfortable giving up a portion of your power. Beginner Tops should also eschew Bondage scenes unless they themselves have been bound. (I would not recommend that Beginner Tops experiment with bondage scenes until they've served as an "Apprentice Top" to a more experienced bondage Top.)

Before you search for a Top to serve: Clean yourself. Dress appropriately for your role. Drink less than you can handle.

1. Bottoming: follow Points 1-10 of the beginner sub technique. There's an exception though. Be honest, clear, and succinct about your innate Dominant orientation:

"Sir, I respect Your Expertise and Authority. Even though I feel naturally Dominant, would You please consider letting me serve you, because I want to learn, and someday, I hope to be as respected as You, Sir."

2. Topping as an Apprentice: if you've served well, and been respectful, then you will gain respect for yourself and there'll come a time when a Top will ask you if you'd like to Apprentice a scene. Generally the sub involved will bestow you with an honorific title, and call you Sir or Mistress. Hierarchically you are still an apprentice though, so you will bestow the proper honorific title to the Top that has invited you to apprentice, and He/She will run the scene. She might demonstrate a method, so pay close attention, and learn. You may think you know a better way to do something, but learn from Her way. You will have plenty of time to do it your way later. Undoubtedly you'll feel pleasure in the scene, perhaps the Top will allow you to have a sexual release. That's not a given, because you're there to learn, it'll be up to Him.

The common line throughout all these points for both the beginner subs and the Beginner Tops is respect. My Mentors were Gentlemen, and taught Me that respecting other people is the true basic tenet of Leather and BDSM. People that don't respect you are not worthy of your attention. Give respect and you'll get respect back, and people will esteem you as a lady or a gentleman. Your virtuosities and your virtues will grow, and you'll have a much better opportunity to have your Desires fulfilled.


BDSM 101 - Previous Classes:

Class 01: Making an Omelette - Breaking Some Eggs

Inviting your Angel

"The pain was so great, that it made me moan; and yet so surpassing was the sweetness of this excessive pain, that I could not wish to be rid of it."
-St. Teresa of Avila

St. Teresa was writing about a spiritual experience, and her pain and ecstasy came from her vision of the Divine. But ever since this sculpture grouping by Bernini was installed in the church of Sta Maria della Vittoria in Rome, people have remarked that her attitude of bliss looks like she's experiencing an orgasm. But enough about her.

It's the Angel that interests me more. The word "angel" comes from the Greek for "messenger." What a message He's bringing! What a delivery! So calm and graceful and peaceful, so joyous and engaged, so attentive and abstracted, just before He plunges that arrow that brings exquisite torment and ecstasy. He's my Hero. That's a Top, baby! That's the One you want giving you what you - maybe - possibly - deserve.

Now Saint Teresa invited her angel probably through days of meditative prayer and fasting. You might be able to follow her example and do the same. But who has the time for that nowadays? I've got a better idea. Act and dress like the submissive, or slave, or just bottom that you wish you were, do that as much as you can and in as many places as you can, and - maybe - possibly - your Angel just might show up with an arrow of torment and ecstasy just for you!

Offering

I'm talking to a friend - the news - movies. Another man walks up slowly, stops about 6 feet away, and settles his body to face mine. His hands and mouth are empty. Nothing to drink or smoke, and no words either. He's quiet, he tries his best to stand as still as possible. He catches my eye, once. And then fixes his gaze down at my boots. He doesn't kneel, doesn't get on his hands and knees. He doesn't talk. He waits. He's impatient, he's anxious, he's afraid of being ignored or insulted by me. He doesn't know what to do with his hands. He wonders if some friend of his, slumming it at the leather bar, will try to strike up a conversation and ruin the mood.

But tonight he's lucky. No blathering chums to distract him show up. And my friend who's talking to me, takes notice, and finishes his sentence and gives me a little smile. I ask my friend to excuse me, I shake his hand, and when he's walked away, I look at this man who's here waiting. I look at him closely, I assess what persona he's showing to me. He's wearing black cowboy boots, but not anything else that describes him as a leatherman. He looks to be in his early thirties. A time in his life when he probably could afford to dress like a leatherman if he wanted to. But perhaps he's traveling or came out after dinner, or perhaps he doesn't have a leather fetish.

That's not as important to me now, because he's offering something very valuable to me - respect. He's offering me patience. He's offering me his attention. I ask him his name. He answers, he keeps his eyes down. I tell him my name, I offer my gloved hand to shake, he grasps it firmly but less firmly than I grasp his. Now we talk a bit about trivial things, I take a pull on my beer, I enjoy my cigar. I watch him, I measure what he says and how he holds his body. I want him to be a man, I want him to look strong, I don't need him on his knees, - yet - but I want him to know and feel me as dominant. He doesn't cross his arms, he doesn't cross his legs. His head is slightly inclined downwards, his weight is balanced equally on both feet, he doesn't put his hands in his pockets. His body shows me that he's not hiding his vulnerablilites, his chest faces me, his crotch faces me, he doesn't armor his torso with his arms.

Trivial talk is over. Time to command. I tell him to place his arms behind his back, and hold onto his left wrist with his right hand. I tell him to stand with his feet as wide apart as his shoulders. This lowers him an inch, it gives him a posture that's defined, no more indecision about what to do with his hands. I step forward into his space, I put one of my thighs close enough to brush his crotch, I reach around and lightly place my right hand on the back of his neck, I lean over and let my beard brush his ear, and quietly tell him what he can expect if he agrees to accompany me home. I tell him that what I do to him won't hurt his health. I tell him that what I do to him won't make him feel like less of a man. I tell him that what we do is private between us and that it's his decision whether or not he's photographed or videotaped. I ask him if he needs someone to vouch for me, to tell him that I'm trustworthy.

Then we go.