Easier Said Than Done

Anonymous posed an excellent question to Me:

"Do you feel that by not "coming out" as a Leatherman/woman is a sign of weakness?"

Obviously a person's standing is weaker if they have to hide or suppress parts of their life. Early Christians were weaker in the reign of Nero, and had to worship in catacombs. Africans forced into slavery were weaker when they had to disguise their own religions and culture as merely quaint customs. Native Americans, when forced onto reservations in the 19th century, were weaker when they had to use their arts to hold on to their language and religion. In the other day's New York Times, there was an article about contemporary Wiccans that have to keep their beliefs secret in a Bible-thumper neighborhood.

There's a long history of hidden communities in the world. Being open would have meant ostracism and death for them. But they devised ways to communicate and connect with each other. They were patient and valiant in their resistance to assimilation.

If you would jeopardize your job, or career, or your livelihood, or a child's security by being Out in Leather, then I sympathize with you, because many years ago, I got canned from a job for being gay and out, and it really sucked. It was hard. But I learned who My friends were, and I learned who among My family stood by me. Being Out got easier and easier. I also changed careers, and I was fortunate in My choice, that I can dress and act the way I choose.

I certainly understand a need to be circumspect and private about BDSM in public. At the grocery store, I like seeing people in boots and flagging a hanky, but I don't want to see someone in assless chaps at the checkout. But leather itself isn't as transgressive as it once was. I live down the street from a Harley Davidson dealership, and every weekend I see every shape, and size, and gender, and age of biker roaring up and down my street wearing leather. I remember seeing Pat Boone on an awards show wearing leather pants and a vest and a collar even and that was 10 years ago!

As far as BDSM, I've known people who enjoy the "kinkiness" of secrets, and we all have darkness in our characters, and things we feel we should conceal. I do think people play safer and healthier when they're open, and I've seen how living openly as a Leather/BDSM person enriches more facets of life than just sexuality.

What can you afford to lose if you embrace and display elements of your deeper nature? Can you afford to lose people that don't respect you? Can you afford to lose family members that would abandon you? Can you afford to lose a career that destroys your spirit? Can you afford to live a less materialistic life to focus more on the intangible?

In "No Peaceful Warriors!", Ambrose Hollingworth Redmoon wrote:

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than one's fear. The timid presume it is lack of fear that allows the brave to act when the timid do not. But to take action when one is not afraid is easy. To refrain when afraid is also easy. To take action regardless of fear is brave."

BDSM 101 - Class 01: Making an Omelette - Breaking Some Eggs

Hello class. This is BDSM 101. I'm Professor Pud. This class is for beginners, novices, and the curious, and today I'm going to go over what this class will cover and what will be expected of you. you will be able to interact with me 2 ways: by either commenting to these posts, or by private email (to pud@blackboots.org) I prefer that you use comments so that the rest of the class has the benefit of your questions and insights. If you want to email me privately, keep your questions short, I'll either answer you privately, or incorporate my answers into the next class. These following rules are for emailing me, and commenting to BDSM 101 posts.

We're going to be fairly informal here, and I won't be busting your balls or tits if you make a mistake. But we will observe some Protocol formalities. Whether or not you self-identify as submissive or dominant, you'll address Me as either Sir or Professor [Pud]. you'll capitalize My Pronouns - [You, Your]. you'll begin and end each post with Sir or Professor. If you self-identify as a sub or switch, or if you don't self-identify at all, then I will address you as a submissive, and your own pronouns will always be lower case, even when they begin a sentence (i, me, my). If you self identify as dominant, then I'll address you neutrally, as per normal English usage.

Now back to the class.

BDSM 101 is a cliché of a sort. There are books, web sites, and workshops that all utilize the term: "BDSM 101." Usually they teach terminology, basic safety negotiations, elementary etiquette, and rudimentary examinations of dress codes and behaviors. This class will touch on those subjects, but My main focus will actually be on the philosophy, sociology and semiotics of BDSM. Even though it's a cliché I'm going to keep the term "BDSM 101" for a few reasons. One, it's easy to remember and to find on the internet. Two, the BDSM community could make use of a novice course that reflects Next Guard thinking. Three, this course is a precursor to higher level courses - BDSM 201, 301, 401 that will explore more advanced explorations and disciplines.

Are you curious about a flogger? well you can buy one on eBay! Are you puzzled about the Hanky Code? or how to tie a slipknot? or how to spit polish boots? well you can Google it and find out! What does that mean? that the Specifics of BDSM, the tools, the symbols, and the techniques, they aren't the Great Mysteries, administered by the Old Guard Great Hierophants and Priestesses, that they used to be. The Specifics are readily accessible via the marketplace and the internet. Of course, it's usually more fun, informative, and enriching to play and learn with a more experienced player. Nothing takes the place of direct physical knowledge. But sometimes those players are hard to meet. So, if you have the patience to read and study and learn, and also, if you have the forebearance to stay sober and pay close attention to a partner and to yourself, then you can explore BDSM and be your own teacher and your own student. This class is a resource for you to learn from, and from which to teach yourself how to learn more.

In this class I'll teach you Specifics: techniques, for example: "How to get flogged and how to find the joy in it." I'll also teach you "How to wield a flogger the first time, and give joy instead of merely pain and distress." But I'll also place an emphasis on the Abstracts of BDSM, because the abstract ideas that underlie BDSM, those are our common ground, our common playspace, our common tools, our common history, our common context. And by situating the BDSM Specifics, among this context - the BDSM Abstracts, you'll be able to have a deeper understanding of each Specific, and more importantly you'll have a sound basis for creatively designing new BDSM Specifics of your own. That combination - of old school context, together with new school creativity, is the hallmark of the Next Guard.

This first class is about an Abstract of BDSM and is subtitled "Making an Omelette". That metaphor relates to two things: one, we're going to break a few eggs today - meaning that you're going crack your mind and emotions open, and begin to examine your inclinations or yearnings for BDSM. This doesn't mean psychoanalysis - discovering the reasons why you have these inclinations is NOT the goal. The goal is merely to honestly assess what are your desires.

In our second class, we'll talk about a Specific of BDSM, and refer to the second meaning of "Making an Omelette" we'll discuss how to make something very basic, but very tasty, and very excellent - a Good Basic BDSM Scene.

Now let's break some eggs. So what are your desires? The philosopher Gilles Deleuze believed that we never have unique desires. I don't want "food" or "drink" or "shelter" or "sex". Even infants don't want the merely singular antidotes to their needs. Instead Deleuze believed that a desire a person expresses, for example: food, is actually a System or Set of Desires: hot, salty, juicy, rich, crunchy, aromatic, and so on. And so for sex it's also the same. When we fantasize a lover, or Master or Mistress, or a slave, it's not merely that generic definition we yearn for, instead our image of what we desire flowers into a Desire Set: tall or short, hairy or smooth, sweet or stinky, powerful or passive, visible or hidden, cruel or kind, loving or dismissive, and so on.

So your first exercise in this class is to go deep and ask yourself what system or set of desires is most powerful for you? This is not about asking yourself "why?" The "why" is about psychoanalysis, and is not important in this exercise. This exercise is written and private. There may be parts of this exercise that you would like to share. But for this exercise to be truly useful to you, you're going to have to go very deeply into extremely private areas of your mind, and there should be elements that remain private.

The first requirement of this exercise is to find a way to write, or a place to write that is truly private. Perhaps you have a computer log in name, to which only you know the password. Perhaps you can encrypt your text with a password. Perhaps you have a place to keep writings that only you have access to: a locked cabinet for example.

Once you're sure of your complete privacy, then you can begin. On one page, or one computer file, you're going to fully describe one Desire Set. A Desire Set includes everything you desire in a lover, Master or Mistress, or slave. And I mean everything. Write down what your ideal partner would be: appearance, attitude, sound of voice, smell, profession or job, origin, intelligence, sense of independence or dependence, habits, talents, sensitivities, proclivities, fetishes, attributes, everything you can possibly think about. If you can't choose between one desire or another, then list them all, if you have desire for more than one person, for example: a lover and a Mistress, or a spouse and a slave , then either start a new computer file or get out another sheet of paper for each individual you desire. Perhaps you have several types that interest you - a robust muscled type - a slight willowy type - a young inexperienced type - a mature expert type.

This should take at least an hour. you should cover at least a page for each individual desire set. If you have a large desire imagination, then this exercise might run long, you might have several Desire Sets to write about. That's a wonderful thing. Keep your Desire Sets private and safely protected. We'll be referencing and using your Desire Set throught this course. you'll find as you learn more about BDSM that your Desire Set will change, some areas will grow, and some areas you'll edit or excise.

you have one week to complete this assignment. Next class will begin with a quiz.

Big Boy the Wonder Horse or Suggestions for Tops

This beautiful creature was called Big Boy. I spent a week with him on a horseback trip I took in Banff 5 years ago. We got along very well he and I. He was the biggest horse that the outfitters had in their string, at 17 hands. He had the golden Palomino coloring, and was about 23 when I knew him.

I've only ridden 9 horses, and I've spent about a 40 days of my life on horseback. I've never owned a horse or taken care of one. Not in this lifetime at least. So I can say fairly that I know diddly squat about horses. Yet. Yet I get along very well with horses. Knock on wood, I've never had any trouble, haven't been thrown, nor kicked, nor bit...well once I did my foot stepped on lightly, but no bruises or broken bones. I've ridden with people that raise horses, that own ranches, who train horses for competition in steeplechase, dressage, and western style reining and cutting. I've ridden right behind some of these people, and watched as they were thrown, and one as he was thrown and broke his left ankle. (We were in the backcountry, and boy was it ever fun trying get him back mounted from the right side of the horse, so he could travel back on logging roads to the town hospital.)

So I'm lucky. Maybe. Or maybe I ride well enough that the horses don't balk. I think it's a combination of factors: I'm calm. I don't make sudden moves and spook the horse. I pay attention to the horse and the surroundings. I've got a gentle hand with the reins, and taking a hint from the dressage riders, I use my legs and subtle shifts of my weight for slow commands. I give praise and affection. I pay attention to the sort of stroking that that particular horse likes. I also give him a few carrots and an apple a day.

After a day of riding, back at camp, sitting around the wood stove, I'd have a pipe, and read some of the horsemanship books that had been packed in for the small bookshelf. I read about the Horse Whisperer and Parelli's Natural Horse-Man Ship Technique, and that helped me feel confident about my riding style when I saw so many of the habitual riders keep tightened reins and a stiff riding position.

I've seen 8 people get thrown from a horse. It usually happens very quickly, although a I remember one pinto jerking and jumping a bit in place before tossing some poor woman. Half of those people were "experienced" and half were novices. The novices would fail to be attentive, or be too tense and apprehensive, or would just do something really annoying to their horses like choose a muddy or steep trail when a perfectly dry or more level one was right next to it. Or when reining their horse to a stop, they'd jerk back the reins quickly, instead of applying a slow gentle pressure.

You might be asking "when is he going to drop this analogy and get to the BDSM?" (You might be asking "Whatever happened to Big Boy?" He worked to 26, and was put out to pasture, and died last fall at 27 of old age - in human years he would have been around 75.)

Here's why I chose the horsemanship analogy. I'm a Top. I'm Dominant. It's natural and suitable and appropriate for me to determine what's acceptable and unacceptable from a bottom or sub. But how do I talk critically to other Tops? What am I going to say - "You're doing that wrong - here let me show you"? I don't think so. I'd rather not battle with other Tops, and if I have to battle, I'd rather pick which battles I'll fight. Matters of mortal safety - yes. Matters of mental cruelty - probably. Matters of technique or style - not so much.

Yet we do have problems in the Leather BDSM Kink community, and I don't think they're all the subs' fault. In fact, shouldn't it really be all the Tops' fault? I mean aren't we in control of the scene? Don't we set the parameters and make the rules? And if it isn't all our fault, then maybe it still remains our responsibilty to make the situation better. I've got a few ideas on how to make the situation better.

I'm a Leather fetishist, I wear boots every day, and if I can figure out a way to wear my leathers some place I'll do it. (And that's in Houston where it's hot as hell 5 months of the year.) On my horseback rides, I always wore cowboy chaps and boots and a big hat. I even had a pair of chaps custom made just for riding. Half the riders were on these trips were "dudes" and half were horsepeople. Getting to the corral on the first day in my cowboy gear, I looked more like a hand than any of the other riders. The head wrangler and the packers all got a kick out of it, and they probably spotted me a couple of "points" for knowing a bit more than I did. The other riders certainly thought I knew more than I did. My horse even thought I knew more than I did.

So my first suggestion for other Tops to make the Leather BDSM situation better is: Look the Part. Define Your part Your way, but consider using some symbolic attire that conveys Dominance. Big boots are good. Gloves are good. Consider too that aspects of Your attire might send a mixed message and dilute the appearance of Dominance. Like short pants.

Woody Allen said "Eighty percent of success is showing up." That's my second suggestion to Tops. Show up. Show yourself. Give a little hope to all the subs out there that someone like You might take an interest. If You only wear Your symbolic attire to the bar or events, consider wearing a symbol or two discreetly at other times - boots, or keys, or a thick wristband. It's a generous gesture when You do that. Even to subs that aren't Your preferred gender flavor. It'll show them - There's a strong confident person Who's true to Their nature. Maybe Someone like that will take me in hand sometime.

My third suggestion is "Command Respect, but don't Demand it." or "Keep Your ass in the saddle and hold Your reins lightly." To paraphrase Queen Victoria - you can do anything in the bedroom you want as long as you keep from frightening the horses. Of course there are times when for the well being of horse and Rider, there's a need to spur and to whack a flank with a riding crop. There are even other times where it's good to dismount and lead the horse by hand. Those are Your decisions.

I wish sometimes I got along with men as well as I do horses. I've always kept a "good seat" on a horse, but men have thrown me several times. That's where this analogy finally ends, because people aren't horses, and to keep a Dominant-submissive interaction flowing and going for even one night, much less a weekend or a month or a lifetime is a sometimes delicate and exhilarating endeavor.