Big Boy the Wonder Horse or Suggestions for Tops

This beautiful creature was called Big Boy. I spent a week with him on a horseback trip I took in Banff 5 years ago. We got along very well he and I. He was the biggest horse that the outfitters had in their string, at 17 hands. He had the golden Palomino coloring, and was about 23 when I knew him.

I've only ridden 9 horses, and I've spent about a 40 days of my life on horseback. I've never owned a horse or taken care of one. Not in this lifetime at least. So I can say fairly that I know diddly squat about horses. Yet. Yet I get along very well with horses. Knock on wood, I've never had any trouble, haven't been thrown, nor kicked, nor bit...well once I did my foot stepped on lightly, but no bruises or broken bones. I've ridden with people that raise horses, that own ranches, who train horses for competition in steeplechase, dressage, and western style reining and cutting. I've ridden right behind some of these people, and watched as they were thrown, and one as he was thrown and broke his left ankle. (We were in the backcountry, and boy was it ever fun trying get him back mounted from the right side of the horse, so he could travel back on logging roads to the town hospital.)

So I'm lucky. Maybe. Or maybe I ride well enough that the horses don't balk. I think it's a combination of factors: I'm calm. I don't make sudden moves and spook the horse. I pay attention to the horse and the surroundings. I've got a gentle hand with the reins, and taking a hint from the dressage riders, I use my legs and subtle shifts of my weight for slow commands. I give praise and affection. I pay attention to the sort of stroking that that particular horse likes. I also give him a few carrots and an apple a day.

After a day of riding, back at camp, sitting around the wood stove, I'd have a pipe, and read some of the horsemanship books that had been packed in for the small bookshelf. I read about the Horse Whisperer and Parelli's Natural Horse-Man Ship Technique, and that helped me feel confident about my riding style when I saw so many of the habitual riders keep tightened reins and a stiff riding position.

I've seen 8 people get thrown from a horse. It usually happens very quickly, although a I remember one pinto jerking and jumping a bit in place before tossing some poor woman. Half of those people were "experienced" and half were novices. The novices would fail to be attentive, or be too tense and apprehensive, or would just do something really annoying to their horses like choose a muddy or steep trail when a perfectly dry or more level one was right next to it. Or when reining their horse to a stop, they'd jerk back the reins quickly, instead of applying a slow gentle pressure.

You might be asking "when is he going to drop this analogy and get to the BDSM?" (You might be asking "Whatever happened to Big Boy?" He worked to 26, and was put out to pasture, and died last fall at 27 of old age - in human years he would have been around 75.)

Here's why I chose the horsemanship analogy. I'm a Top. I'm Dominant. It's natural and suitable and appropriate for me to determine what's acceptable and unacceptable from a bottom or sub. But how do I talk critically to other Tops? What am I going to say - "You're doing that wrong - here let me show you"? I don't think so. I'd rather not battle with other Tops, and if I have to battle, I'd rather pick which battles I'll fight. Matters of mortal safety - yes. Matters of mental cruelty - probably. Matters of technique or style - not so much.

Yet we do have problems in the Leather BDSM Kink community, and I don't think they're all the subs' fault. In fact, shouldn't it really be all the Tops' fault? I mean aren't we in control of the scene? Don't we set the parameters and make the rules? And if it isn't all our fault, then maybe it still remains our responsibilty to make the situation better. I've got a few ideas on how to make the situation better.

I'm a Leather fetishist, I wear boots every day, and if I can figure out a way to wear my leathers some place I'll do it. (And that's in Houston where it's hot as hell 5 months of the year.) On my horseback rides, I always wore cowboy chaps and boots and a big hat. I even had a pair of chaps custom made just for riding. Half the riders were on these trips were "dudes" and half were horsepeople. Getting to the corral on the first day in my cowboy gear, I looked more like a hand than any of the other riders. The head wrangler and the packers all got a kick out of it, and they probably spotted me a couple of "points" for knowing a bit more than I did. The other riders certainly thought I knew more than I did. My horse even thought I knew more than I did.

So my first suggestion for other Tops to make the Leather BDSM situation better is: Look the Part. Define Your part Your way, but consider using some symbolic attire that conveys Dominance. Big boots are good. Gloves are good. Consider too that aspects of Your attire might send a mixed message and dilute the appearance of Dominance. Like short pants.

Woody Allen said "Eighty percent of success is showing up." That's my second suggestion to Tops. Show up. Show yourself. Give a little hope to all the subs out there that someone like You might take an interest. If You only wear Your symbolic attire to the bar or events, consider wearing a symbol or two discreetly at other times - boots, or keys, or a thick wristband. It's a generous gesture when You do that. Even to subs that aren't Your preferred gender flavor. It'll show them - There's a strong confident person Who's true to Their nature. Maybe Someone like that will take me in hand sometime.

My third suggestion is "Command Respect, but don't Demand it." or "Keep Your ass in the saddle and hold Your reins lightly." To paraphrase Queen Victoria - you can do anything in the bedroom you want as long as you keep from frightening the horses. Of course there are times when for the well being of horse and Rider, there's a need to spur and to whack a flank with a riding crop. There are even other times where it's good to dismount and lead the horse by hand. Those are Your decisions.

I wish sometimes I got along with men as well as I do horses. I've always kept a "good seat" on a horse, but men have thrown me several times. That's where this analogy finally ends, because people aren't horses, and to keep a Dominant-submissive interaction flowing and going for even one night, much less a weekend or a month or a lifetime is a sometimes delicate and exhilarating endeavor.