Hello class. This is Class 02 of BDSM 101. Links to previous classes for this course are listed at the end of this post.We'll start with a quiz. Last week I instructed you to find a private place or private method to record your Desire Set, a list of all the attributes you find most desirable in an ideal sexual partner(s). We'll be referencing your Desire Set throughout this course. Now for today's quiz, I want you to start another list and title it "Virtuosity/Virtue Set". Quickly as you can, in less than 10 minutes, I want you to list as many of your own sexual and/or loving qualities. For example: "ability to syncopate the actions of my fingers with my tongue" or "patience". So the items on this list are not only technical proficiences (virtuosities) but also features of your own character that you believe make you a better partner/lover (virtues). Set a timer for 10 minutes, Time starts - now.
[10 minutes pass - Buzz. Fingers off the keyboard, pencils down]
How many virtuosities and virtues do you hold claim to? Is it 1-10? Okay. 10-25? Good. 25-50? Great. 50-100? Excellent. We'll also come back to the Virtuosity/Virtue Set throughout this course. It's going to grow as you learn. A sexually adventurous BDSM player is always learning and growing.
Today's class is subtitled "Making an Omelette - Technique". I'm using that metaphor for BDSM beginners because even if you're wholly inexperienced, there is a basic "technique" to having a good BDSM experience, and sometimes just like you want a simple meal, a simple basic BDSM scene is just what you're craving. The technique is not difficult or tricky to learn, and it'll serve you well, whether you want to delve deeper and deeper into BDSM, or if you just want to have a taste of it now and then.
10 Point Technique for beginner subs - How to Have a Good Scene:
A beginner sub needs to find someone to trust, that won't go too fast, or too hard, or too deep at the beginning. This means that beginners shouldn't seek a BDSM scene with a stranger, because without a grounding in trust, and a mutual social respect, you won't feel as comfortable giving up a portion of your power. Beginners should be especially leery of bondage scenes with people that they don't know and respect already. (I would not recommend bondage scenes for beginners until the second or third "date" with a Top.)
Before you search for a Top to serve: Clean yourself. Dress appropriately for your role. Drink less than you can handle.
1. Focus on your Desire Set, and find someone that attracts you, who is sober, and that you are already social with, meaning that you know their name, and who their friends are, you've seen them out and about. Someone who commands your respect already, and who you know enjoys BDSM. Someone whose company you already find pleasure in. Someone who is either single and available, or someone who already has a committed relationship, but who has a respectful arrangement with a partner for outside play.
2. Wait respectfully to be noticed. Do not interrupt a conversation. Be friendly, clear, and succinct. Use the appropriate honor title to begin and end each sentence. This is important, because when you do this very simple thing, it emphasizes a power differential, and the respect that you imply doing this very simple thing, will engender respect and goodwill for you from the Top:
"Sir, may i speak with You privately, Sir? " Respect the decision of the Top. If the Top says yes, then continue - "Mistress, i'm very attracted to You. i respect You. i'm only a
[choose applicable noun - beginner-, novice-, learner -, rookie- , etc-] bottom,
but would You please consider me for
[choose applicable modifier - BDSM-, Leather-, Discipline-, S&M-, Femdom-, Bondage-, Power-, Dog-, etc-]
Play, Mistress?"
4. Now you lower your eyes, and bow your head slightly. Be silent. Listen. Respect the decision of the Top. If the Top accepts you, then touch your chin to your chest, and say "Sir, thank You, Sir."
5. The Top might want to talk a bit, or begin the scene right away. There will be limits and desires to discuss, and you need to very clear and short with your answers when asked about limits especially when dealing with your health and the sex act itself. For example: "Mistress, safe sex only please, Mistress." or "Sir, penetration isn't healthy for me, only jacking off, please Sir." Also be very clear about types of play that frighten or disgust you. "Mistress, covering my head makes me panic, Mistress." or "Sir, licking boots would make me sick to my stomach, Sir." If the Top hasn't brought up the subject of limits, It is appropriate to ask the Top respectfully " Mistress, may we discuss limits please, Mistress?" If you have other limits, for example: time constraints, or a need to be back home to feed a dog, make those limits clear as well.
6. Likewise be clear and succinct with what you most want to experience: "Mistress, would you please let me feel your lash, Mistress?" or "Sir, would you please feed me your cigar smoke, Sir?" Do not give or beg a whole laundry list of kinks that you want to experience. The Top has a list already, and knows what a scene should be and how long it will last. As long as the Top respects your limits, you need to let the Top run the scene, the Top is not there to service you. you are there to service the Top.
7. It's common practice for Tops to discuss "Safe Words" or "Safe Signals" - green, yellow, red - or maybe a use of the Top's given name instead of the honorific, or a snap of the fingers or three big exhalations. If the Top hasn't brought up the subject of Safe Words or Safe Signals, then it is appropriate to ask the Top respectfully " Mistress, may we discuss Safe Words please, Mistress?"
8. The Top will run the scene, and you will serve. If you have been attentive and properly respectful, and if you have been honest and clear about your limits and desires, then you will have at the very least a good learning experience, and at the best you might have a tremendously exciting and sexually intense experience. Whether the scene was just so-so or if it rocked your world, when it concludes, you need to express your thanks and your respect. This last bit of play, being thankful, is very important and will build up your reputation as a polite and respectful player.
9. Very rarely, especially if you already know the Top socially, there might be a disrespect of your limits or a disregard of a Safe Word or Signal. This is a rudeness and a potential danger. When this happens, it's appropriate to break your role - ask "Did you disrespect my limit deliberately?" or "Didn't you hear my Safe Word? The Top should immediately apologize for the violation of limit, or the disregard of the Safe Word. It the Top fails to do that, then you should clearly and quickly say that you are going to leave - then you should dress, and go.
10. Discretion is the better part of valor. Meaning in this case, if the scene did go well and you want to explore further with the Top, be appreciative and make your desire to play again clear and up front. Don't gossip, because being discreet, respectful, and submissive with a Top will entice the Top to ask you to play again.
If the scene wasn't so hot, don't lose your nerve or your enthusiasm, you just had a spot of bad luck, just take it as a chance to learn something, and then go back again to Point #1 at another time.
2 Point Technique for Beginner Tops - How to Have a Good Scene:
Basically to be a good Top, you need to need to start by submitting to another Top. Your own spirit may never have been submissive, you might have alway been a bossy kid, perhaps you've never felt a need to just let go and let Someone else "drive." Fine. That's valid. But all the same, the fastest and most enjoyable way to learn how to Top well in BDSM is learn from an accomplished Top. You might be surprised how much you will enjoy it.
A Beginner Top needs another Top to trust, that won't go too fast, or too hard, or too deep at the beginning. This means that Beginners shouldn't seek a BDSM scene with a stranger, because without a grounding in trust, and a mutual social respect, you especially [soon to be "You"] won't feel as comfortable giving up a portion of your power. Beginner Tops should also eschew Bondage scenes unless they themselves have been bound. (I would not recommend that Beginner Tops experiment with bondage scenes until they've served as an "Apprentice Top" to a more experienced bondage Top.)
Before you search for a Top to serve: Clean yourself. Dress appropriately for your role. Drink less than you can handle.
1. Bottoming: follow Points 1-10 of the beginner sub technique. There's an exception though. Be honest, clear, and succinct about your innate Dominant orientation:
"Sir, I respect Your Expertise and Authority. Even though I feel naturally Dominant, would You please consider letting me serve you, because I want to learn, and someday, I hope to be as respected as You, Sir."
2. Topping as an Apprentice: if you've served well, and been respectful, then you will gain respect for yourself and there'll come a time when a Top will ask you if you'd like to Apprentice a scene. Generally the sub involved will bestow you with an honorific title, and call you Sir or Mistress. Hierarchically you are still an apprentice though, so you will bestow the proper honorific title to the Top that has invited you to apprentice, and He/She will run the scene. She might demonstrate a method, so pay close attention, and learn. You may think you know a better way to do something, but learn from Her way. You will have plenty of time to do it your way later. Undoubtedly you'll feel pleasure in the scene, perhaps the Top will allow you to have a sexual release. That's not a given, because you're there to learn, it'll be up to Him.
The common line throughout all these points for both the beginner subs and the Beginner Tops is respect. My Mentors were Gentlemen, and taught Me that respecting other people is the true basic tenet of Leather and BDSM. People that don't respect you are not worthy of your attention. Give respect and you'll get respect back, and people will esteem you as a lady or a gentleman. Your virtuosities and your virtues will grow, and you'll have a much better opportunity to have your Desires fulfilled.
BDSM 101 - Previous Classes:
Class 01: Making an Omelette - Breaking Some Eggs
1 comment:
Post a Comment